Becoming a mother while losing my own

December 4, 2020, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. Full of joy, excitement and disbelief, we shared the news with our families that Christmas. 

The disbelief faded as I began to pop and the idea that this was real sank in. Our feelings of joy and excitement remained while we prepared for and anticipated our baby boy. 

Moments of sadness were inevitable. Fluctuating hormones and a changing body aside, it was very clear to me that I was becoming a mother while losing my own.

For nine months I looked out for signs from my mom that she understood I was pregnant and that she saw my happiness. I would place her hand on my belly and tell her that her first grandson was there. I shared with her that the baby would be named Thomas, the same name she planned to give me if I was a boy.

And I continued to wait for a sign. 

August 2021, days before my estimated due date, I decided to go through an old junk drawer in my childhood bedroom. Seeing old photographs, tarnished earrings and mixed CD’s sent me back in time. Amongst this nonsense was a folded piece of paper - a printed email from 2008. 

Date: Wednesday 11/12/2008

Recipient: Me

Sender: Mom

Subject: Hi “almost b’day girl”

“Oh November 13th 1988…….WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MEMORY!!!!!!!! After 20 hours of labor, I was cut in half and out you came all mushy and gushy and sweet as can be. You were such a sweetheart from day one, as long as you had your baba!! Remember your wavy hair and your sweet little flat nose which is now so beautifully aristocratic. Oh…my water broke during the night and ran down my legs when I stood up out of bed, we were so excited you were coming, and you know what Car…you’re still a joy every single day. We were blessed to have you and we consider ourselves extremely lucky every day. You’re a beauty inside and out…much love.”

And that was my sign.